Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions, Vol. XXIX

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I always lie to get out of jury and the judge says, 'Sir, you're the defendant.'

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

I feel like half of these aren't even confessions anymore, just witty one-liners (and an excuse to drink on-air). Still funny, though.
Michael Jacobs
These never get old
im guessing he didnt try vegan pizza yet
Joe Johnson
Hey! Vegan is important and cool!
Job Manjarrez
am I the only one that got the a bugs life joke? movie come out like in 98. kinda sad he had to explain it
Douglas Dorman
Thank yooou America, peace and love, Doug :).
COLBERT IS EATING VEGAN!!! NO I LOVE HIM EVEN MORE!!!! <3 :D Good for you Stephan! Go environment! Go animal right & Go healthy you!
Juliette Picard
Moral crowd smooth some fundamental predict.
Theo Carr
other will why ongoing busy map attack.
Anyone else watch the audience bits on repeat to see the interesting ways of how people say "Of course not!" & "We forgive you!"
david LastName
Confessions, John Oliver, and when God shows up are the reasons I'm subscribed.
Shana Jacquet
life opposition scare Japanese air shift rather cold scene.
cool drone jones
dis turning into some final fantasy shit
Jeff Scarrott
Constant bashing to support your political masters agenda isnt real comedy. The people on the left with Stephen are unfortunately still in denial and believing the illusion of reality they were sold under the politically correct democratic years. People wake up and smell the manipulation happening within your own society and stop getting fooled by this Russia non sense. You guys are pathetic with this stuff. Ok, we get it you don't like Trump, ok fine a lot of people don't but at least try to hold your own Democrats to the same bar. Hillary and her crew were far more corrupt and yet you never so much as even attempt to discuss this? Why? Because you're in denial.
Jeff Scarrott
Guilt is a measure of your own self centredness.
Here I thought for a moment he wasn't going to have a drink in the confessional after all.
ButtHurt Libtards Joy
Where one would seem butt hurt, while Trump won. Who do you think with your tiny little pea libtard brain is the butt hurt between Trump who won and hillary that lost. Ask youself this question many times in the head you were supposed to be born with at a young age, before you destroyed it with monosodium glutamate and neotame.
ButtHurt Libtards Joy
Colbert isn't catholic. This guy is paid in part by the clintons to promote is fake news agenda. the agenda of the globalists. This Colbert quadruple idiot is 100% sold out to the globalists. The first moment you saw the guy on TV was lying. The last time you'll see it, would still by lying too. Again, The libards are retarded so they piss on each others, and other lower libtards swallows the rest of the piss.
ButtHurt Libtards Joy
where generalism ends is where one is born a libtard. Most commonly these days known as a democrat of the clinton's. Where every libtard is a quadruple idiot and have an uncurable mental disease. but hey, That's the funny part too. There is always a positive side to something negative even such things as their mental retardation. In this case, nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed to their own measly fate.
ButtHurt Libtards Joy
Every catholic people are retards. simply put, and simply true. This comment is worth 4 billions thumbs up. The jewish fake polls told you that we are a minority of non-believers on this fake jewish controlled prison planet. You colbert supporters are quadruple idiots of the worst genre. and let me tell you something. I love the fact that every humans will d99 some day or another. I count them libtards night after night on the google d99 list of 2017 on wikipedia. and I enjoy it a lot with beer. Time is a patience game that brings a lot of d99 happiness. Or may I see. The disease that you can't stop laughing.
Christianity, especially Catholicism is violence, sexual perversion and fraud under the guise of atonement, salvation and blessings. It's heavily overrepresented in facism, Nazis, mobs etc.
Louie Berg
Just a bit of general information: not all vegans and vegetarians do it for the cuddly-wuddly animals. Some don't like the taste of the food they avoid (so not a principles thing) and some do it because of the effects of animal farming on the environment and/or food stores (it's less efficient to feed animals with which to feed ourselves).

Then again, environmentally-minded people need only reduce their intake of animal products, not avoid it like the plague. I'll never throw away the pepperoni pizza a friend of mine could not finish just because there's meat on it.

For the faint of heart: No, this was not proselytising, this was neutral provision of info. Nothing normative to be read here.
Stephen, that was juice(looking at the transparency of the liquid) - disappointed...
Liam Najor
I don't forgive you
Heyyyyyy he's actually funny when he's not on the political bandwagon. Keep it up mate i'm willing to watch you
John Connolly
The next edition of this (XXX) had better be the DIRTIEST segment ever.
Robert Hayes
These are never funny. Skits never really work on this show.
Eric von brauch
I thought you were smarter than that.
Hey Stephen, you know who also longs for death? All the animals you eat.
Laverne Blaszczyk
getting kinda sick of Colbert always talking about his religion. This bit is funny and fine but he sprinkles his bias throughout and its getting old.
Viscera Trocar
How epic. He's funny even when he's literally not funny. Almost no one else can say that. Jon Stewart. But That's a given.
I've been on a vegan diet too, Stephen...but my neighborhood is running out of vegans.
Daniel Lesse
Did Stephen forget how to drink liquid? look at 2:53.
Charlotte Fairchild
Vegan: Get hungry and you won't want to long for death. Have fun!
I hope he actually learns something while on a plant-based diet. It's easy for people to sell veganism short (because they're biased and misinformed), but maybe this whole "bet" plays out well in the end.
Local African
lmao that vegan death joke
Bryan Lara
lol as a vegan, that death comment was hilarious
Joe **********
This is the Colbert I want, not the one that makes the same jokes about Trump over and over and over.
A. L.
Almost didn't get the bug's life joke lmao
Fredrick Mboma
Version XXX is next.
Rather offensive towards vegans, and spreads the stereotype that vegan diets are boring, but funny.
Person McPerson
Stephen, I love your show! Keep being vegan some more, you'll like it! I have been vegan the last month and have been working out every day too. I find it very nourishing to live on a plant-based diet and so does my whole family. I think we are only struggling sometimes from our memories of cheese, yogurt, and ice cream. But we all look, feel, and are noticeably healthier in only a month of being vegans. The agricultural industry is the leading cause of climate change. I read a book once called "The Greening of America" that came out sometime in the 70's about how vegetarianism could help us feed the world twice over with food if we stopped giving all the corn and wheat over to cow & dairy & poultry farms. Plus all the waste that is generated not only gets into all animal products (Extra sodium, dyes, and other additives like hormones and near-by pesticides) but it all washes away into our soil and water which is fueling climate change. We cannot limitlessly, on the current rate, feed mass quantities of animals for slaughter and consume this way for much longer without gross consequences. I find that being vegan has made me more mindful of fresh foods when I eat and I've been feeling more energized and focused since eating this way. I was never able to work out every single day on a pescatarian or omnivore diet even though I have always been fit and trim. Now, muscles are really starting to form that I've never had, like abdominals and not from doing crunches really, just light exercise like swimming, jogging, bicycling, walking everyday. I think I will always love/associate the smell of cooked meat with my Texas heritage and memories of family gatherings but I am a much more happy & healthy living this way! Don't knock it till you try it [for longer]! Also, I've not been drinking any alcohol too for the past 4 months. Have not felt better. I know a lot of us use that as a little, sociable crutch, and I get it, but giving it all up has also helped too. Plus, what can be more sobering to us Americans than Trump? We can all do better, and being vegan is one way a lot of people can do to better themselves in every single way. Health, happiness, & a sense of purpose to all of you who may be reading this!
Alex Richards
heya buddies ! ! ! nevertheless does anybody know larger than this one ?*
Finley Bell
Front presence purchase lean departure join principal sir guess capture.
I got the 'A Bug's Life' joke right away! Class! ...The youngins in the audience were like, "Wut?"
"When god closes a door....turn the knob and open it. That's how doors work."
Seth Andrews~2017
Lukero Gt
That vegan line was so satisfying.
Dead Inside
Sometimes if I see food in the fridge that's no good and spoiled, I will leave it there for one of my room mates to deal with it even if it was mine to begin with.
Phoenix Chastaine
More Tuck "BUY MY VITAMINS!" Bruckford pweeeze?
Tadashi Stark
my fav confession yet
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